Honeymoon Phase

When you move abroad, you expect it to be difficult at first. Leaving family and friends behind, dealing with new forms of bureaucracy, learning or improving your language skills, making new friends, in my case even finding a job. But it doesn't just start out difficult and get progressively easier with time. Reality is not linear. It ebbs and flows, comes and goes, and sometimes you find yourself wondering how as soon as things seem "figured out," you hit a rough patch.

At least that's been my experience. For me, moving to Berlin was the easy part. The door was wide open with possibilities but I also knew I could made a sharp turn at any time and go right back across that ocean. I was all sorts of excited, but not at all invested.

For the first half year or so I frolicked and explored and made wonderful friendships and ate an obscene amount of Goezleme. The whole not having a job thing was certainly stressful at times, but things eventually worked out and soon enough I had my Berlin bears in a row. I signed a contract, flew to Puerto Rico for my first work trip, celebrated with my Berlin buddies, and then flew home for a few weeks to spend time with the family. A happy whirlwind, indeed.

When I got back and started my job, in June 2012... that's when I hit my first rough patch. That summer was a tough one: adjustment in a new office and position, close Berlin friends off traveling, pitiful weather, and a fear that I had just committed to something that I wasn't 100% sure I wanted.

Come fall the anxiety had mostly faded, I was getting the hang of my job, and I'd established something resembling a routine. By the same time next year, Collidoscope was born and I was increasingly pleased with the direction my life was taking.

Now I'm close to the 2.5 year mark, and almost everything seems figured out. The job, the friends, the hobbies, the running, the traveling. But nonetheless, I find myself in rough patch #2. Nothing is wrong per se, but there is a nagging feeling that some of the excitement has waned and the comfort is settling in.

Hold on! This doesn't mean I'm planning on leaving, nor does it mean that I love the city any less. In fact, through all my self-analysis these past few months I think I've come to realize that I may now love the city even more. Is this possible? Is this what true love is?

I'll never be 100% sure as to what's going on in my overly-analytical-and-hyper-sensitive mind. But I've come to accept that Berlin is not the problem, I am. The reason I am increasingly nervous about what's "coming next" is because of all that I've built for myself here and how invested I've become.

The honeymoon phase is over. Berlin is no longer a risk I'm taking. It's a life I would be leaving.

Transnational

Volkspark Friedrichshain

No matter how much I fly, I always get the pre-trip flutters before a big travel day. Tomorrow I fly back to the States for the first time since May, and through all my excitement to see my parents at the airport, my sister and three closest childhood friends the following day, and a host of family and friends the following 2.5 weeks, I can't help but be somewhat nervous. And my nervousness was only heightened by the news of the devastating Connecticut school shooting today.

A few friends and I gathered this evening to cook our last meal together in 2012 when we learned about the shooting. With four American expats at the dinner, the criticism of the US and many American policies quickly began to fly around the room. We were heartbroken, furious, and at the same time, acutely conscious of how living in Europe has shifted our perspective on such issues. It is clear that any American would feel heartbroken and furious at such news, but no matter how initially shocking, the shock may wear off more quickly because it's becoming tragically commonplace to hear this type of news in the US. School shootings certainly don't happen every day in the US but they happen a hell of a lot more there than here- the US did experience two separate public shootings in the course of this week, after all.

As we digested the news, we also reflected on the fact that such events remind us of why we moved here in the first place. Not because of school shootings in particular, but because the world just functions a bit differently on this side of the Atlantic, and although we all came for different reasons, we find comfort in and feel connected to that world.

The longer I stay in Berlin, the longer I see myself staying here. In many ways, I see raising a family easier here, my quality of life being higher, a certain standard of living guaranteed for me should things get rough at any point, and a basic standard of living for others that I fundamentally believe should be guaranteed to all, especially in a developed country. I certainly don't need to make any long-term decisions now, but I'm aware that eventually the time will come where I have to choose the US or Europe in a somewhat permanent way. And as incredibly wonderful as it is to go home for a visit, it reminds me of everything, and more importantly, everyone, that I have to leave behind should my choice be here.

Every Thanks, Everywhere

During my daily ritual of struggling to throw off my warm comforter and pull myself out of bed this morning, I thought about my last few Thanksgiving celebrations. Last year in 2011, I had just moved to Berlin and flew over to London to visit some family and friends. I celebrated Thanksgiving with a couple friends from college and their London crew at a big potluck. I made roasted veggies. In 2010, I was in grad school and traveled to NYC to celebrate with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. My aunt cooked a splendid meal as she always does and we drank loads of wine as we always do. I made the roasted veggies. The last time I was in DC with family for Thanksgiving was 2009 it seems. I'm pretty sure I made roasted veggies.

Veggies pre-roasting 2011, London

Somewhere along the line that is my life, Thanksgiving morphed into my favorite holiday. Christmas is still the big one in our family: it brings us all together without fail and will always remind me of our Oma who planned and executed every Weihnachten of our childhood, from the decorations to the music to the "boxes" to the big meal on the 24th to hiding the cookies from Opa. If I could only have one holiday, it would be Christmas, for these reasons.

Veggies post-roasting in 2010, NYC

But Thanksgiving, in its essence, is my favorite. Christmas certainly revolves around a big meal and loved ones, but it's simpler at Thanksgiving. Food and people are the star of the show. It's why people rush to the store to get the last frozen turkey and can of cranberry sauce, why people fly across the country or take long road trips in awful traffic to get home for just a couple days. I appreciate these rituals and this effort, but I personally don't find it necessary. For me, there is no need for turkey or cranberry sauce: for years my family did nontraditional Thanksgiving meals like surf & turf, quail, duck, and seafood stew. We drank heavy reds instead of Beaujoulais, and we bought our pies at Trader Joe's, when we had them at all. I'm obviously not one to criticize travel, but I am always content to spend Thanksgiving somewhere other than DC. It's comforting to know that Christmas is around the corner and I'll be home then anyway, and it's an opportunity to spend a special day with other people you care about, or maybe have recently met. It's a warm, fuzzy holiday that besides the cooking (and travel), is really relaxing. One could say I already spent my Thanksgiving this year with a group of Poles, Germans, Israelis, and Ukranians in a small town in central Poland a few days ago where we consumed immense amounts of food like schnitzel and pierogi, drank a few rounds of wodka, and sang songs from all our countries. 

Dinner in Poland, 2012

I'm a lucky girl though, and have the good fortune of celebrating again tonight with a group of friends in Berlin. Not only is it Thanksgiving, but it is also Kelly's birthday. I will be making...... garlic mashed potatoes. But you better believe I'll be roasting the crap out of that garlic first.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my family and friends celebrating today, wherever you are, whatever you are eating. I am thankful for all of you.

Gesehen: Partner Look

I grew up hearing "Partner look!" squeals from my mom and aunt whenever any two people in the family or on the street happened to be wearing something similar. It's two English words, but when put together somehow becomes a German phrase. Just like lots of other English words that pervade German language, particular in the pop culture scene and the professional work environment (yay for me!).  I spotted these two - sisters? twins? equally sized and styled friends? - on my walk home from work yesterday.

p.s. These outfits may seem strange to you, but they are common fare in Berlin. I should start another sequence called "So Berlin" to highlight some of the weirder ones but then I'd probably have to write less about food, and that's just not realistic.

Roots

Lietzensee, Charlottenburg, Berlin

I can't get enough of this pond by my office. A couple colleagues and I make a leisurely loop around it almost every day after lunch and it just gets prettier each time. Every day we ooh and aah over cute dogs, baby ducks, little children. It's just the loveliest thing to have right outside of your workplace.

Anyway, back to the point of this post. Not that I'm sure there is one. I basically uploaded the picture and tried to think of something to say about it. "Roots" came to mind. And roots made me think of living abroad, life as an expat, being "up-rooted."

It made me think of the competing desires to both travel the world and explore versus be settled and comfortable. The former I've got pretty covered at the moment (the other day I was reading through a contract for one of my projects and it included the sentence, "The scope of this agreement shall be the world." Good grief.) Anyways, it made me wonder about when I will feel rooted in Berlin, if I will ever feel rooted in Berlin, whether I even want to feel rooted in Berlin.

It made me think of all my visitors, how weird it is at first to have them here, in an environment so different from where I usually see them, and then how equally weird it is when they leave, because I've gotten so used to having them around again.

And it made me think about family. My family, whom I miss dearly (Hi Mama, Dad, Julia, Mo, Matilda!). My "family" in Berlin (Hi Kelly, Sophie, Giovanni, Josh, Keighley, Anna, etc.!). And even my future family, that will probably be pretty awesome and adorable.

All that from a walk around the pond, a little reflection, and hipster photo software.

Transatlantic/k

Transatlantik is definitely not a German word. The correct translation would be Transatlantisch but coming up with cute blog titles is just more important to me than correct grammar. See how much I compromise for all of you?

I'm back in Berlin as of last night. My mama took me to the airport yesterday (was that yesterday? day before yesterday?), where we arrived about 2 hours too early. After fighting with my luggage and the check-in lady to make the weight and size limits for both suitcases we proceeded to an airport bar where my mom watched me drink my last Sam Adams of the trip. We had a nice last chat, scoffed at the $8.50 price tag, and when she left me at security, I was fighting back tears. I mean really, $8.50 for a beer?! Just kidding. It was the leaving part. 3 weeks at home and it really starts to feel like home again, let me tell you.

And by "home," I mean Raleigh, Surfside Beach, Cambridge, DC, and Bethesda. I mean birthdays, parties, graduations, pool trips, and visits to former offices. I mean frozen yogurt with strawberries and chocolate chips, trips to Rio Grande and Chipotle, iced teas bigger than my head and refills a go-go, long car trips, paddle ball, bagels with lox, trips to CVS and TJ Maxx, stocking up on hot peppers at Potbelly's, convenience, and happy hours. But most of all, I mean picking up Mo and Matilda and giving them kisses, running errands and cooking dinner with my sister, having a glass of wine (or two) with my dad, enjoying a 6 hour long porch chat with the cousins, eating and eating and eating with the whole family, playing silly games with friends in the backyard, and having an overpriced beer in the airport with my mama.

Oh, hey.

Mo and I get some quality beach time together

I haven't forgotten about you, blog and loyal readers! I've just been thoroughly consumed with my 3 week US jaunt. Already hit up 3 cities, 2 graduation celebrations, and 1 big family weekend to celebrate my Opa's 80th birthday. What's left? A week in DC... catching up with old work colleagues, tying up loose ends, seeing friends and celebrating another birthday, and spending quality time with the family.

With Mark in Cambridge

There are a fair amount of highlights to share already, from sipping Perrier Jouet poolside, to doing serious damage at American outlet malls, to singing two entire Backstreet Boys albums in a car ride with my sister, and having a "business meeting" with my Opa and cousins just like the old days. It's been all that I hoped for, and all I could ask for before heading back to Berlin, no return-ticket in hand.

Rolling Thunder in DC with the family

And I've learned a thing or two on this trip. Things like, all you need for a fun game is a paper bag (thanks, Evan), a few months out of the US means you are completely out of the loop (Carly Rae who?), Americans are pretty defensive of their beer these days (no arguments from me, I am sick of Pilsner), going to graduations at both my Alma Maters within the course of a week makes for a weird combo of feelings, and that really, Berlin is only a plane ride (or two) away.

"Business Meeting"

March Madness

I have my own March Madness going on this month, but instead of basketball games it'll be in the form of hosting visitors. There won't be pools or bets of any kind, but I will rate my guests on the following two criteria:

1) How many jars of Potbelly's hot peppers they come bearing.
2) How many museums they want to go to.

For the former, quantity is positively associated with points. For the latter, the opposite.

My blogging may be a bit spotty the next few weeks, but I'm sure to come back full of stories. I'm quite excited to see Berlin through the eyes of those unfamiliar with the city, and will consider it a personal failure if they don't fall in love with Berlin the way I have. Though I'm pretty confident once they have their first bite of Gözleme I've got it in the bag.

First up: Julia (the sister) & Jonathan (the good friend and vegetarian who has boldly declared he will go omnivore this vacation)! And just in case we don't consume enough Turkish food in Germany, we have planned a four day séjour to Istanbul to really get our fill.

Jet-lagged Julia & Jonathan with my airport welcome sign

Not for the Calorie-Conscious

Exhibit A: Pommes und Bier (Fries and beer)

Exhibit B: Schokolade mit Sahne (Hot chocolate with whipped cream)

Exhibit C: Frankfurterkranz

Exhibit D: Homemade Spätzle with carmelized onions

Exhibit E: Tante Ursula's homemade Cheesecake... mit Sahne

Thanks, Baden-Württemberg, for the fat and fun.

Weekend Weg

I am in Karlsruhe for the weekend, visiting my Opa (grandfather) who is here visiting friends. Karlsruhe lies in Baden-Württemberg which is Germany's South-Western state or Bundesland.

Baden-Württemberg is not just the land of Laugen, Spätzle, and Wurstsalat (though these culinary specialities all merit more detailed discussion). It is also home to both Ludwigsburg and Tübingen, towns I spent considerable time in at ages 15, 19, and 20/21. It is the state that I probably know best in Germany, and subsequently one of my favorites.

Karlsruhe is also where my mom grew up, and where her family lived until she turned 14 and they moved to France. Yesterday, my Opa drove me past the house where they lived and then over to the Rhine where, on the other side of the river, lies France.

Tomorrow we are off to Mannheim, where my Opa grew up, to see some relatives, and then it is back in the train for the 6 hour ride back to Berlin. Didn't think Germany was that big, did ya?

Side note on Wurstsalat: Not technically a BW speciality, but I had to include it because it is just so amusing. Many of you have already heard of Germany's well-known Wurst. And Salat you can probably figure out from the strong similarity to its English translation. I'll give you a second to put it together. Sausage.... salad?! Yes, sausage salad. Different kinds of hams and sausages cut into slivers and mixed together.

It's my Opa's favorite "salad".

Personally, I prefer the name "Swine Surprise".