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Lietzensee

How, How, HOW has it been 6 months since my last post? My mind is officially boggled. My bike is lying on its side in shock above. A lot has happened in 6 months I guess. The half marathon, trips to Sofia, London, France, Switzerland, Soest and Doha, visits from my mom and a few friends, a friend's wedding and reunions with friends from Lannion and Tübingen, and that whole Germany winning the World Cup thing. Plus a boy/heartbreak situation I won't go into here, but will say was equally lovely and heart-wrenching.

World Cup Final: That was fun

Yet despite all the above, the majority has remained the same, leaving me feeling a littttttle antsy. A few weeks ago, in an attempt to mix things up, I tried to do one thing differently every day. Well I meant to try one thing differently every day but lost steam around day 4. Though to be fair, sharing this "failure" with you all is "different" for me - usually I would ignore it completely since I didn't officially finish what was a very unofficial project to begin with. Anyways. I tried things like taking different routes to work on my bike or biking to new parts of town, taking a spontaneous weeknight evening stroll through the Tiergarten, and going vegan for an entire day. Nothing crazy obviously, just minor efforts to show myself that I can make things different if I want them to be different.

Tiergarten

It kinda worked I guess. I saw, experienced, and learned new things. Like what gears I should ride my bike in, locations of a few cute new cafes, and that not all tortillas are vegan. Like I said small things (though the bike gear thing was a revelation). But perhaps those changes weren't grandiose enough. It's surreal sometimes to think back at what this city meant for me as a tourist and what it means now, almost 3 years after living here. Routines can (and usually) settle in anywhere, and even though I'm still completely enthused and inspired by this place, it's usually the case that my days look somewhat similar. But I won't lie - I've been feeling a little like a spoiled brat having these thoughts in the first place. Are most of you just totally happy where you are, doing what you're doing? Or am I destined to live a perpetually confused and antsy life if I continue this transnational business? At this point I'm pretty sure it's a done deal either way though. A move anywhere else will surely leave me yearning for Berlin, which - in its own way - has been equally lovely and heart-wrenching.

Honeymoon Phase

When you move abroad, you expect it to be difficult at first. Leaving family and friends behind, dealing with new forms of bureaucracy, learning or improving your language skills, making new friends, in my case even finding a job. But it doesn't just start out difficult and get progressively easier with time. Reality is not linear. It ebbs and flows, comes and goes, and sometimes you find yourself wondering how as soon as things seem "figured out," you hit a rough patch.

At least that's been my experience. For me, moving to Berlin was the easy part. The door was wide open with possibilities but I also knew I could made a sharp turn at any time and go right back across that ocean. I was all sorts of excited, but not at all invested.

For the first half year or so I frolicked and explored and made wonderful friendships and ate an obscene amount of Goezleme. The whole not having a job thing was certainly stressful at times, but things eventually worked out and soon enough I had my Berlin bears in a row. I signed a contract, flew to Puerto Rico for my first work trip, celebrated with my Berlin buddies, and then flew home for a few weeks to spend time with the family. A happy whirlwind, indeed.

When I got back and started my job, in June 2012... that's when I hit my first rough patch. That summer was a tough one: adjustment in a new office and position, close Berlin friends off traveling, pitiful weather, and a fear that I had just committed to something that I wasn't 100% sure I wanted.

Come fall the anxiety had mostly faded, I was getting the hang of my job, and I'd established something resembling a routine. By the same time next year, Collidoscope was born and I was increasingly pleased with the direction my life was taking.

Now I'm close to the 2.5 year mark, and almost everything seems figured out. The job, the friends, the hobbies, the running, the traveling. But nonetheless, I find myself in rough patch #2. Nothing is wrong per se, but there is a nagging feeling that some of the excitement has waned and the comfort is settling in.

Hold on! This doesn't mean I'm planning on leaving, nor does it mean that I love the city any less. In fact, through all my self-analysis these past few months I think I've come to realize that I may now love the city even more. Is this possible? Is this what true love is?

I'll never be 100% sure as to what's going on in my overly-analytical-and-hyper-sensitive mind. But I've come to accept that Berlin is not the problem, I am. The reason I am increasingly nervous about what's "coming next" is because of all that I've built for myself here and how invested I've become.

The honeymoon phase is over. Berlin is no longer a risk I'm taking. It's a life I would be leaving.

Before January's Over

Reflections on a Berlin Canal

Despite my vocal and written proclamations to the contrary, I seem to be making resolutions pretty regularly these last few years. Truth is, I do find it enjoyable to look back, review and reflect, and pat myself on the back or rekindle my desire to reach a goal. I just don't need it to be in a January-January time frame, which I find a bit silly. But steadily working towards something that makes me a happier and healthier person... that I can get behind.

So how am I doing on my goals? Here's what I wrote last year: 

1) Travel to three places just for fun.

Mission accomplished, and I doubt anyone's surprised. Though this may seem like "cheating" to people who only make unenjoyable resolutions, the goal was for me to take advantage of the time and freedom I currently have to explore rather than racking up countries on my list. Where did I go? Copenhagen, Croatia, and Sri Lanka (could also add a new part of the Swiss Alps and Madrid to the list). Copenhagen was a long weekend trip with my best gal Kelly, Croatia was the first time my mom and I have taken a trip just the two of us, and Sri Lanka was my first experience in South Asia with the lovely and adventurous Anna. All fantastic experiences. All, as usual, making me feel like the more I see the more I have yet to see.

Croatia, you beautiful devil, you

2) Follow through on a side project.

Can I get a HELL YEAH on this one?! Kelly and I revealed Collidoscope Berlin back in April and are still going strong with our xenophilic baby. While we post much less often than we did in the beginning (down from 3 a week to 1 every 10 days or so), we've added Facebook (like us!), Twitter (follow us!), events, and more to our side-project docket. While sometimes it's difficult to get ourselves to just sit down and write already, we're always so pleased with the product and the progression the project has taken. As always, we're open to ideas, comments, and connections if y'all have any!

3) Date more.

Oh, dating. When I wrote this one last year I was giggling at the idea that this could even be considered a resolution, but now I can say with certainty it was the most challenging of the lot. I took some RISKS in 2013 that ranged from giving online dating a shot to trying to use Collidoscope to hang out with my cute and ethnically ambiguous dentist. I had some fun, I turned many a boy down for a second date, and I had some disappointments and rejections. But even at the lowest of these moments, it was good to feel like I was putting myself out there. Now I feel I can take a bit of breather and hope that I've laid the groundwork that will catapult something into fruition this year.

Dating?!

4) Work on my German grammar.  

A hard one to measure objectively but I'd say I was pretty successful on this one. While I didn't take a class or crack open any grammar books, I did start paying way more attention and forcing others to correct me. I've finally learned some basics as well as been hit in the head with the realization I've been making some rather ridiculous mistakes for the past 20 years (so it's really "Hälfte" instead of "Helfte" and "inzwischen" instead of "entzwischen" and salt is neutral but pepper is masculine?). But that's what you get for growing up hearing a language but barely ever writing or reading it.

So what's on the proverbial list for this year? 

To be honest, I'm not sure I'm totally feeling the resolution thing this year. I want to continue to make progress in the above categories and have started making some small shifts in other areas of my life that I'll give more attention to in 2014. These include trying to do one. thing. at. a. time. (I increasingly blame the internet for ruining my attention span... I can barely get through an article without being distracted by an email, work task, song, recipe, or god knows what else anymore). I want to learn to cook more vegan meals (In Berlin I eat almost entirely vegetarian but I want to go a step further on occasion). I want, nay, NEED to read a bit more in German (not my favorite activity). I want to travel somewhere on my own, even if it's just a weekend. OH! And writing more on the ol' blog here, because I hope you guys still enjoy it on occasion (anyone out there??), and because I know I will down the line.

Going it Alone

On top of the Andes in Mendoza, Argentina: 2009

I'm settling in on the couch with a glass of organic tinto and some dim lighting for this one, because I'm planning on getting a little more personal than usual and need the atmosphere to work with me a bit. I generally try to stay away from divulging too much about my private life here on the old blog, because, well, it seems a bit self-indulgent and narcissistic for one, and two, this blog is public so who knows who's reading it. But I know it makes things interesting and can be cathartic and what not, so here goes.

The weekly market in Lannion, France: 2007

When I first got to Berlin and people asked why I moved here, some would frame it as a question for which they suggested a possible answer. "Oh, so you're studying here?" or "You're teaching English, right?" were both popular, but the most common was actually, "Ah, so is there a guy over here?" One or two people even deigned to ask if I had left the US because of a guy. (I should add that these guesses came from people who didn't know about my German family/language/passport situation, all which make a 26 year old American girl moving to Berlin on a whim by herself without a job somewhat less surprising.)

Who needs a boyfriend when you have Italian statues? Parma: 2006

Not only did a guy not influence my decision to leave the US nor to choose Berlin, but no guy has factored into my life planning for quite some time. As of some day in the upcoming two weeks - I've forgotten the exact date - I will have been sans boyfriend for three years. There was some dating and a few flings here and there, but nothing even approaching serious. I've become the epitome of the single 20 something girl, the one who eats eggs or pasta for dinner in bed while watching Gossip Girl and Downton Abbey. The one who leaves clothes strewn about on the chair all week because it's unlikely anyone will see it. The one who had to race into the bathroom and shave her legs one night while an unexpected suitor waited patiently in the living room, à la Michelle Pfeiffer in "One Fine Day." Fortunately my suitor had not fallen asleep by the time I resurfaced. Unfortunately my suitor was not George Clooney. Maybe I should stop drinking this wine and rein it in a little.

Also not reining it in, Tuebingen: 2006

So no, I didn't move to Berlin for a boyfriend, and haven't found any serious contenders for the position in my almost 1.5 years here yet. But wanting or not wanting a boyfriend was not really the point of this post. The point is, I have watched, half-enviously and half-satisfactorily, as people I know in couples lead similar lives to mine: that is, do the moving abroad, traveling, teaching English to move abroad and travel thing. I am somewhat fascinated by this idea, because I've never had it. "It" meaning the partner to travel and live abroad with, not "it" the great boyfriend, because those I have had. But my international adventures have been overwhelmingly solo ones. Sure, I've traveled and stayed with friends in a lot of places and had plenty of help along the way. But no one was with me when I was lumbering onto the train to Tuebingen with two suitcases, registering for Spanish classes in Buenos Aires, traveling on a night bus to Mendoza, apartment searching in Lannion, battling the border control at the Chunnel from Paris to London, or facing the bureaucrats at the Bezirksamt or Zollamt in Berlin.

One of my first nights in Berlin: 2011

And it's not just those big things: the travel itself, the paperwork acquiring, the apartment assembly, etc. A lot of major and minor life moments happened to me the first time while abroad: eating dinner alone in a restaurant, going to a movie by myself, figuring out how to read a map, learning to cook a proper meal, scraping by on very minimal language skills when an entire group of people relied on me at a cafe. Of course it would have been nice (more than nice, sometimes) to do these things with a partner. But I can't imagine I would have experienced the same leaps of growth, independence, and self-confidence if that had been the case.

Brunch in Tel Aviv: 2012

Of course if the right guy (or even "a right" guy) happens to pop up at my door anytime soon, I certainly won't turn him away. I look forward to finding someone who shares this interest and lifestyle and who I can explore places in the future with, and I have no doubt I'll find him eventually. But in the meantime, I'm happy to enjoy my somewhat crazy, occasionally scary, but extraordinarily fun and exciting life on my own.