The "How are you?" Code

Bad means "Bath" in German

I really love language. Learning a foreign language is like an expedition: full of long stretches, bumpy roads, and the occasional sharp turn and light at the end of the tunnel. It opens up a whole new world in terms of the people you can interact with and what you have access to within a culture. Discovering these little cultural tidbits is what makes it so much fun. Like when I found out the French call chopsticks "baguettes" or when I realized that the pastry we call an "elephant ear" in the US is called a "pig's ear" here (Germans and their pork!). Understanding how people speak helps you understand how they think, act, and interact, and also what is important to them. 

Being "multicultural" in Poland

Let's ponder how Americans say hello, for example. It is extremely commonplace in the US to throw out a "how are you?" with your "hello" without a second thought- meaning it is completely acceptable, and even expected, that you pose this "question" when just strolling by someone without any time or inclination to stop and actually hear the answer. Sometimes "how are you" even replaces "hello" altogether. A typical response to this question would be: good, ok, great, fine, not bad, or even just a smile and/or nod and no verbal response at all.

A German play on English words

I can't tell you how many times my German mother has brought this up and talked about how impolite it is. If someone asks you the question, why wouldn't they wait to hear the answer? I was talking to one of my closer German friends in Berlin about this the other day and she almost fell off the couch in disbelief. Steam was coming out of her ears she was so worked up. "What if I lost my job? Or have cancer?" she argued, "Am I just supposed to say "fine" in response?"

It's nice that YOU exist!

Yes, that's exactly what you would do if an American you're not close with greeted you and posed this seemingly innocent question. For us it's just routine, and it's most certainly not impolite. It's part of the greeting, basically joined to "hello" so much so that not asking is almost impolite. It feels like you have cut yourself off halfway through the greeting. In return, not responding how you are actually feeling (giving one of the standard aforementioned one-word responses like "fine") is how one is reciprocally polite. Unless it is your good friend, or you're sitting down with someone to chat, you don't bother that other person with what is actually going on in your life. Americans know when a "how are you?" is posed expecting an answer or not. A lot of it comes from the intonation. "Hi! How are you!?" said with a broad smile by someone strolling by is very different from, "So, how are you?" It's subtle, but any American hears the distinction.

"Now I'm going to rub you with a really nice olive oil, garlic, basil marinade"
"Are you really a masseur?"

Different cultures have different codes, and understanding the language helps you access that code. When you think about the difference between how Germans and Americans greet each other, you also see parallels with how they frame their relationships. Germans respond to that question when asked because they know the person is only asking because they expect (and want) a response. Just like there is no pretense of being "friends" with someone you are not actually friends with. Like that same German friend said to me, "You know when someone doesn't like you here." You're not expected to love everyone, invite everyone everywhere, and make friendly all the time. We do a lot more of that in the US, but I wouldn't say it's because we want or feel we have to be fake. We just have a different code for interacting with strangers and acquaintances. The line between "acquaintance" and "friend" is much wider and bolder here in Germany which makes things clearer, but it also makes it harder to break through and make contact with people in the earlier stages of a relationship. In the US there are more levels of friendship than in Germany, and there's a big difference between your friend from yoga class and your friend that you've had since freshman year of college. We may use the same word, but from the context, you can gather the significance of that relationship.

Great Expectations

Lausanne, July

The other week a colleague jokingly said it was cute I was "stressed" about a presentation I was giving in the office, and that it was very "American" of me to put in so much effort. My brain, as always, jumped to the underlying cultural implications of such a statement. Do we Americans tend to be perfectionists and put lots of effort into every little thing (at least in a professional sense)? And if so, why? Is it because we're worried about how we will look in front of others or because success is heavily valued in our society? Or because striving to be "better" and ascending the ranks in some form is part of our Puritan, ambitious, self-starting work ethic?

Colleague's husband's art in Tel Aviv, October

That may play a role, but I also have a hunch that this cultural difference is due in part to educational structure and expectations. In Germany, it's all about credentials. Not "what school did you go to?" (no Ivy League here), but more "what exact training did you receive and what exact certificates do you have?" If you have the certificate, you're expected to know a certain standardized body of knowledge that others outside the field don't have. If you don't have the certificate, well, it's not your field so why should you? Part of this must stem from the fact that people choose an academic or job training path so much earlier here than we are forced to in the States, where spending half of college earning liberal arts credits before choosing a major is the norm. Let alone the number of us who end up doing jobs after college that barely relate to our degree.

Kreuzberg, January

In Germany, life planning is notably more direct: you're filtered into a school level by age 10 that determines whether you will go to college or into a vocational path, and before entering higher education you most certainly have picked a major. That area becomes your expertise and if you want to do something else, you basically start over from scratch to get all those required certificates for that new field. Even applying to university is a more no-nonsense game over here. It's not about how many extracurriculars you did, what type of personality you have, or where you see yourself in 10 years. It's your grades and your planned field of study, that's it. This system is too rigid- 10 years old is way too early to filter, tracking puts lower-income students at a disadvantage, and the 21st century requires a more flexible skill set- but I can't deny it has its advantages, too. People are highly trained and generally competent in their fields. In the US on the other hand, the typical liberal arts college is designed to give you a well-rounded and general skill set (learning how to write and do research, learning to work well with others, etc.) and subsequently a lot of training ends up happening "on the job."

Tiergarten, February

My colleague summed it up this way: Germans plan and Americans prepare. And I think there's some truth to that. If you're well-trained for a job, you may not feel the need to do a lot of "last minute" preparation because you've been preparing for, oh, 10 years. And maybe, if I'm allowed to push it this far, the higher level of job security in Germany may make pushing yourself to the brink or outshining the others less of an issue. In a similar vein, my American friends and I have talked about how unusual it is to hear praise from teachers or bosses here. While in the US you may get a "great job!" for sorting the mail correctly, in Germany you may receive no positive feedback after a 30 minute presentation that you put hours of work into. Both situations can seem a bit ridiculous (and counterproductive) at times.

Köln, February

I would probably be more confident in my current job had I began training in international education at age 14 or 18 (or even 22 instead of 25), but a great deal of my "training" for this field and the reason I got my job is my soft skills, and those come from a variety of experiences and jobs, not from one certificate. So in typical transnational form, I think both systems have it right and wrong and could stand to learn from one another. A little planning and a little preparation never hurt anyone.  

Transatlantic/k

Transatlantik is definitely not a German word. The correct translation would be Transatlantisch but coming up with cute blog titles is just more important to me than correct grammar. See how much I compromise for all of you?

I'm back in Berlin as of last night. My mama took me to the airport yesterday (was that yesterday? day before yesterday?), where we arrived about 2 hours too early. After fighting with my luggage and the check-in lady to make the weight and size limits for both suitcases we proceeded to an airport bar where my mom watched me drink my last Sam Adams of the trip. We had a nice last chat, scoffed at the $8.50 price tag, and when she left me at security, I was fighting back tears. I mean really, $8.50 for a beer?! Just kidding. It was the leaving part. 3 weeks at home and it really starts to feel like home again, let me tell you.

And by "home," I mean Raleigh, Surfside Beach, Cambridge, DC, and Bethesda. I mean birthdays, parties, graduations, pool trips, and visits to former offices. I mean frozen yogurt with strawberries and chocolate chips, trips to Rio Grande and Chipotle, iced teas bigger than my head and refills a go-go, long car trips, paddle ball, bagels with lox, trips to CVS and TJ Maxx, stocking up on hot peppers at Potbelly's, convenience, and happy hours. But most of all, I mean picking up Mo and Matilda and giving them kisses, running errands and cooking dinner with my sister, having a glass of wine (or two) with my dad, enjoying a 6 hour long porch chat with the cousins, eating and eating and eating with the whole family, playing silly games with friends in the backyard, and having an overpriced beer in the airport with my mama.

American Foodie

Chocolate Praline Bars at Black's in Bethesda

My friend Sarah who has been living in Spain recently wrote an interesting post defending American food. I'm a self-admitted food snob and at my worst when a conversation turns to the Olive Garden, but I have to say there are certain things I love eating when I'm here and miss dearly when I'm abroad. Thankfully Berlin is a large, cosmopolitan city, so ethnic food abounds and if I hunt long enough, I can find sriracha and jalapenos. Other stuff is pretty much impossible to find, like unsweetened ice tea. All they've got is the artificially sweetened canned stuff or I have to go to Starbucks for a passion-fruit-shaken-light-iced-venti-you get the point. What's nice about American cuisine is that while there is plenty of gross stuff, there is also plenty of great stuff. Not unlike its demography, American cuisine is diverse and can't (or shouldn't) be reduced to one kind or type. Here are some of the delicious goodies this foodie has been munching away on during her 3 week trip home, and while they're not all "American," they all belong to America in some way. Guten Appetit!

A "Magic Bar" and cappuccino from Petsi Pies in Cambridge

Julia's pulled pork feast in South Carolina

Nachos with beef and a margarita at Rio Grande in Bethesda

Bagel and lox brunch in the backyard 

Beignets at Founding Farmers in DC

French cheese from Brooklyn

Oh, hey.

Mo and I get some quality beach time together

I haven't forgotten about you, blog and loyal readers! I've just been thoroughly consumed with my 3 week US jaunt. Already hit up 3 cities, 2 graduation celebrations, and 1 big family weekend to celebrate my Opa's 80th birthday. What's left? A week in DC... catching up with old work colleagues, tying up loose ends, seeing friends and celebrating another birthday, and spending quality time with the family.

With Mark in Cambridge

There are a fair amount of highlights to share already, from sipping Perrier Jouet poolside, to doing serious damage at American outlet malls, to singing two entire Backstreet Boys albums in a car ride with my sister, and having a "business meeting" with my Opa and cousins just like the old days. It's been all that I hoped for, and all I could ask for before heading back to Berlin, no return-ticket in hand.

Rolling Thunder in DC with the family

And I've learned a thing or two on this trip. Things like, all you need for a fun game is a paper bag (thanks, Evan), a few months out of the US means you are completely out of the loop (Carly Rae who?), Americans are pretty defensive of their beer these days (no arguments from me, I am sick of Pilsner), going to graduations at both my Alma Maters within the course of a week makes for a weird combo of feelings, and that really, Berlin is only a plane ride (or two) away.

"Business Meeting"