Honeymoon Phase

When you move abroad, you expect it to be difficult at first. Leaving family and friends behind, dealing with new forms of bureaucracy, learning or improving your language skills, making new friends, in my case even finding a job. But it doesn't just start out difficult and get progressively easier with time. Reality is not linear. It ebbs and flows, comes and goes, and sometimes you find yourself wondering how as soon as things seem "figured out," you hit a rough patch.

At least that's been my experience. For me, moving to Berlin was the easy part. The door was wide open with possibilities but I also knew I could made a sharp turn at any time and go right back across that ocean. I was all sorts of excited, but not at all invested.

For the first half year or so I frolicked and explored and made wonderful friendships and ate an obscene amount of Goezleme. The whole not having a job thing was certainly stressful at times, but things eventually worked out and soon enough I had my Berlin bears in a row. I signed a contract, flew to Puerto Rico for my first work trip, celebrated with my Berlin buddies, and then flew home for a few weeks to spend time with the family. A happy whirlwind, indeed.

When I got back and started my job, in June 2012... that's when I hit my first rough patch. That summer was a tough one: adjustment in a new office and position, close Berlin friends off traveling, pitiful weather, and a fear that I had just committed to something that I wasn't 100% sure I wanted.

Come fall the anxiety had mostly faded, I was getting the hang of my job, and I'd established something resembling a routine. By the same time next year, Collidoscope was born and I was increasingly pleased with the direction my life was taking.

Now I'm close to the 2.5 year mark, and almost everything seems figured out. The job, the friends, the hobbies, the running, the traveling. But nonetheless, I find myself in rough patch #2. Nothing is wrong per se, but there is a nagging feeling that some of the excitement has waned and the comfort is settling in.

Hold on! This doesn't mean I'm planning on leaving, nor does it mean that I love the city any less. In fact, through all my self-analysis these past few months I think I've come to realize that I may now love the city even more. Is this possible? Is this what true love is?

I'll never be 100% sure as to what's going on in my overly-analytical-and-hyper-sensitive mind. But I've come to accept that Berlin is not the problem, I am. The reason I am increasingly nervous about what's "coming next" is because of all that I've built for myself here and how invested I've become.

The honeymoon phase is over. Berlin is no longer a risk I'm taking. It's a life I would be leaving.

It's a... Job!

As most of you have seen on Facebook by now, my news has been revealed: I have a job! And a pretty great one! Tomorrow morning I fly to Puerto Rico via London and New York for my first Dienstreise (business trip). Will be a long trek but I am super excited for tropical weather and to see some of my former classmates at the Comparative International Education Symposium, which I attended last year in Montreal. I'll be gone a week and promise a solid recap when I return!

I would be remiss not to thank everyone for all the support and encouragement these past 5+ months as I searched for the perfect opportunity in Berlin. I was ready to give up hope more than once, but somehow you all had faith it would work out for me. I'd especially like to thank my Mama, who edited countless emails and cover letters for me (damn you, German grammar), and my Opa, for his incredible support, logistical and otherwise. I wouldn't be here without them.

Unerledigtes Geschäft

I've been talking to a few of my fellow expats about life in Berlin lately. Our struggles, our hopes, and everything in between. It's interesting, and sometimes infuriating, to be in this point of our lives where everything can change so drastically from one day to the next. One day we are sure we're staying, the next we're reconsidering everything. Not many of us really plan to be here permanently but we're not ready to leave either. At the same time, we're not sure how long we can stick it out without "real" jobs, without our families and friends back home, and without what feels like real life in many ways.

I'm not truly an expat, since I'm a German citizen, and I did just arrive in November, so in my case it's a bit too early for this discussion in any serious way. But as I anxiously await news from my biggest job prospect in Berlin, I can't deny that the thought lingers in the back of my mind.

My instinct, however, is that Berlin and I still have some unfinished business.

All Sides

Looking back on old Sophia's Monde posts, I've come to the conclusion that my two blogs are quite different. Sophia's Monde was more about story-telling, and the stories I told were generally pretty personal. I've been a bit more reserved here on Kaffee & Suchen, making posts more issue or history specific, rather than delving into my feelings. This is not a diary, but it is supposed to be a personal account of what living here is like, both for my very curious family and friends, and for me to look back on when I'm feeling nostalgic in the future.

If I'm going to speak honestly, then the truth is there are lots of ups and downs to my life here in Berlin. It's not all cute cafés, greasy Gözleme, and foreign friends. There is plenty of all that, but there are also pangs of loneliness, stressful moments, and a hell of a lot of uncertainty. Yesterday was a down day. I was alone all day, it was cloudy out, and though I spent what felt like hours looking up job opportunities, it did not feel productive. I came the closest to hopeless that I've been since I got here. At the end of the day (ok 5pm), I curled up in bed with my favorite curry from the Thai place across the street, chatted with two of my best friends, and watched a couple movies. Then I slept for almost 10 hours.

Today was already much better. I had a pleasant interaction with the Turkish man who sold me a Borek on the street. I co-worked with a friend at our new favorite café and savored two delicious cappuccinos. I got exciting news about a professional prospect. And my sister and I chatted about all the fun things we're going to do in Istanbul next week.

I know I have it good. Correction: really good. I was able to move to the city I find most interesting in the world. I don't have visa or language problems. I have a strong support base. I have the luxury of taking time to find the right job because I'm not completely financially insecure. But I'm still a mid-20s something, single, transient girl who's not quite sure what she's doing with her life.

I write for you, but I also write for me. In a few months, or years, when I look back, I want to remember all sides of my story. Because without yesterday's clouds, today's cappuccino probably wouldn't have tasted so good.

Photo at top: Nighttime in Friedrichshain (the east)
Photo at bottom: Daytime in Charlottenburg (the west)

Yesterday & Today

Yesterday, Germany got a new President, after running the former into early retirement with a host of corruption charges, and I got a crushing rejection notice for a job that, well, at least I thought I was perfect for.

Today, Berlin got snow, and I got a glimmer or two of hope.